Alone in the Dark review

The Alone in the Dark series has often been referred to as the very pinnacle of puzzle-based survival-horror gaming, which admittedly sounds a bit stupid because the genre has two hyphenated words used to accurately describe it; but the point still stands that the Alone in the Dark games used to be brilliant.

This game has received an unprecedented, and somewhat unfathomable amount of bad press, which seems a little unfair, well at least if you base your judgement on the preview videos. The game begins with Edward Carnby (minus bitching moustache) waking up in a hotel room full of men (Oh come on, how couldn't he be gay?), apparently situated in New York. Why he was there, or why these men have the most fake accents I have ever heard is left to the player's imagination. I think Carnby probably hired some [Insert ANY Nationality here, I haven't got a clue] prostitutes, who just happened to enjoy bondage and guns a little to much. Oh and the bad accents are a result of the developers spending the budget on McDonalds food.

What immediately struck me about this sequence was that the game instructed me to click the right thumb stick in order to make Carnby blink. Am I going to be doing this often? Is it necessary? I usually put the controller down during opening cinematics (because you never have any idea how Metal Gear-ish games are going to be these days) so this feature does absolutely nothing but annoy me. Why the right thumb stick anyway? Isn't that usually used for aiming? This doesn't bode well for the rest of the game, does it?

The plot of the game is mind-numbingly stupid anyway. Basically it results to using every single cliché that has ever been made in regards to Gothic plots involving the devil (It isn't a spoiler, if you can't figure out that Lucifer was going to rear his ugly head then you might need to go back to school), except the most important one. There is no final confrontation in this game, it just finishes. Admittedly there are two “endings” but neither of them actually provide a conclusion to the game. I can't decide whether they wanted to leave it open for a sequel and missed the mark a bit, or they simply ran out of money before the game was finished. Either way they messed it up horribly.

Everything about the game play in this game is completely broken. The controls are terrible upto the point of the game being unplayable. In first person view you don't turn any where near quickly enough (even on the highest sensitivity), and in third person you can't turn without steering Carnby into a ditch. The melee combat is awful due to the fact that hits takes far too long to line up, and even longer to perform. The driving controls aren't even worth mentioning.

In regards to the combat within the game, unless you have a source of fire with you or near you, you can't win! It's IMPOSSIBLE! Will someone please explain to me why tapping an enemy with anything will set their entire body on fire instantaneously but hitting them in the head with a battle axe with as much force as humanly possible does nothing? It makes no sense whatsoever. Not only is it stupid, it also proves that the fire physics, the crowning glory of this game, are completely broken. I mean think about it, if a fire will not spread in a museum no matter what you do, but an entire person can light on fire instantaneously from the tap of any flaming object, then surely the entire idea of fire spreading realistically is complete bullshit!
Even if I did believe that the fire physics actually work, then I would still be annoyed, because to accomplish anything; you NEED fire! It's the equivalent of Valve using the puzzle with the see-saw and the breeze blocks, FOR THE ENTIRE GAME!

The driving sections of Alone in the Dark are the most appalling thing ever created by man, the nuke pails in comparison. You spend at least half of these sequences either dead or dying, even if you do nothing wrong! For example: I was driving along a road with absolutely no obstacles, when for no reason I can think of my car catapulted itself into the stratosphere! What's worse than this happening once, is the fact that it happens CONSTANTLY!

Even the inventory system is horrible. First off it's done in real time, which means that every time you want to get an item out you have risk being mauled to death, by every single creature within a five mile radius, because some how they always seem to attack you when your lamenting about the fact that the items you need to combine are always in slots on opposite sides of the jacket. Secondly it looks stupid, and Carnby ends up looking like a flasher. Finally, if Carnby is holding open the jacket with BOTH hands how the hell does he get items, telekinesis?

This game is a crime against human-kind, there is nothing you can say to defend without looking like an idiot. Nothing works as it's intended to, the plot is the equivalent of George Lucas pitching a horror film (minus the magnetic aliens) and worst of all it doesn't even finish. I mean even the tag line sucks. “They told us that Central Park was for us, they lied” what the hell are you talking about? Who told us? Why did they need to? Why would they lie? All questions you'd expect the game to answer right? Wrong! The game does nothing but confuse you more. The reality of this game is that I still have about four pages worth of ranting to go through, I haven't even touched upon the puzzles or the script, but I don't need to, all I need to say is that even masochists will hate this game.

0/10