The Day The Earth Stood Still is a remake of a 1951 science fiction film of the same name. The remake stars Keanu Reeves (The Matrix, Speed and Constantine) as Klaatu, an alien sent to earth for plot destroying reasons, and Jennifer Connelly (Hulk, Blood Diamond and Labyrinth) as Helen Benson, his unwitting and thoroughly retarded love interest who, conveniently, is a scientist and, perhaps not so conveniently has massive issues with her step-son (played by Jaden Smith of The Pursuit of Happiness and being Will Smith's son fame). The film cost $80,000,000 to make and is distributed and presumably funded by 20th Century Fox, who's executives have quite clearly lost their tiny little minds!
Don't get me wrong, I loved the 1951 film, but who in their right mind would pay $80,000,000 for a remake of a film that nobody remembers? I'm going to be completely honest with you all and admit that there were only 37 other people in the cinema with me and every other film was sold out! No-one wanted to see this pile of shit. Everyone in that cinema had been hoping to catch the last showing of Quantum of Solace or the opening weekend of Twilight. People went to see Transporter 3, a film starring Jason Statham (War, The Bank Job and Death Race [Remake]) a man so bad at acting that he has acting doubles to deliver any lines with more than one vowel in them (that was joke by the way. Jason can do two vowels), over this.
Admittedly, I had avoided going to this film the week beforehand for fear that it would be sold out...
So, where to start? The plot? I did like the originals plot so it can't be too bad, right? Wrong. The plot of the remake centres around the same premise as the 1951 film, in that an alien, named Klaatu, comes to earth in order to decide whether the human race should live or die. This and the giant robot are the only similarities. There are so many inconceivably stupid plot devices to list and such little time, so I'll just cut to the chase: the ending is abysmal. Not only does Klaatu have no motivation to make the decision that he reaches, he in fact posses logical reason to go against himself. You could put it down to love but that would have required some romantic dialogue somewhere in the film.
It would also have required some chemistry between Reeves and Connelly, of which there is none. In fact Reeves gives his most wooden and pathetic performance ever caught on camera. I'm serious and if you doubt me watch about ten seconds of his performance here and then watch him deliver one line in anything else. Just in case you think that Reeves is actor, remember Speed? 'Cause he was in that and this performance is worse by far. It's that bad! He still manages to outshine the rest of the cast by miles. Pretty much everyone but Reeves has to think for a bout twenty seconds before delivering a line, even if the line is one word. I'm starting to think that acting doubles might not be a bad idea.
Never mind though, the $80,000,000 had to be spent on something and it sure as hell couldn't be the actors or the script. It had to go on some of the most awesome CGI ever, right? Wrong. I could do this CGI! I take A-level ICT and I could do better than this presumably expensive CGI. In flash. I have honestly never seen CGI this bad in a film produced in the last five years. It hurts to look at sometimes and it entirely defeats the point of the film anyway. The 1951 version created tension through clever and subtle use of admittedly awful props. The remake creates the sensation of being physically violated (in a bad way) through loud and obnoxious use of utterly dreadful CGI.
At the end of the film people cheered. They cheered because it was over. They cheered because Keanu Reeves' career is also obviously over. They cheered because their minds had been raped and they had lived to tell the tale. Most of all they cheered because they had united in their hate. I cried. I cried because it was over. I cried because Hollywood had destroyed one of my favourite cult classics. I cried because $80,000,000 had vanished from the face of the earth. Most of all I cried because this film broke me, in a way that no other film has in a long time. The timid optimism brought in by No Country For Old Men and The Dark Knight earlier this year is gone. The earth may not have stood still, but I did.
That was a corny ending for my review right? Right.
0/10
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