Another Cinderella Story Review

Yes, I am reviewing a chick flick. Yes, I am a dude. Yes, I was forced to do this. Got it? Good. Now that unpleasantness is out of the way, we can begin.

Another Cinderella Story is the sequel to A Cinderella Story, an insipid take on the classic story of Cinderella. I’m not really sure why anyone needed any of Cinderella Story films in the first, what with them consisting of over the top dance routines, bad singing and lame acting, but then again, no film with a level of complexity below that of Apocalypse Now! is really seen as necessary by me now.

So what can I say about Another Cinderella Story? It’s plot follows “teen-heart throb” (also know as “queer in the making”) Joey Parker (“played” by Andrew Seeley) as he tries to find his perfect woman, Mary (“played” by Selena Gomez) in an odd world in which child labour is still okay, teachers seem to flock towards “teen heart-throbs” just as much as children and black people conform to stereotypes and give themselves stupid names like “the funk”. Oh wait, I forgot this was set in America.

Anyway as the plot progresses the film forgets that it was trying to rip off Cinderella and gradually becomes a common feel-good dance movie, without the feel-good part. The scripting is awful, and pun-laden dialogue or “hip-hop” speech is throw at the audience as often as possible, the acting on display is as much as can be expected from a professional dancer and the guy from one tree hill. The soundtrack is as insipid as it is infuriating, with all of the songs sounding like Boyzone on steroids.

I’ve got to give the film some praise though. Not because of it’s content in anyway, but because of it’s cinematography, which has some genuinely inventive shots.

All in all, this film sucks. It’s an unnecessary sequel to an unnecessary film, but it doesn’t really matter anyway because no-one really expects anything from a film entitled Another Cinderella Story and there will be a million other clones of this film which fare much better at the box office because they can afford to have Miley Cyrus in them. See? I’m down with the kids.

Someone shoot me.

4/10

Metal Gear Solid 4 Review

The more observant among you have probably noticed my mentions of the Metal Gear series in other reviews and what with me saying things like “I often put the controller down during cut-scenes (because you never know just Metal Gear-ish a game is gonna be these days)” you would be forgiven for thinking that I loathe the series. Especially the cut scenes. Well it’s about time you learnt that simply because something seems to be true, it doesn’t make it so.

I do not loathe the Metal Gear series. I enjoyed Metal Gear, Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake and Metal Gear Solid yet the series got a little too… preachy, stupid and boring for me later on. For those of you who say that Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty was a good game I have one word for you and that word is Raiden. For those of you who believe Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater was a great game I can name one glaring flaw for you, the “Heal” and “Hunger” systems, both of which didn’t work very well and became annoying.

I’m guessing that by now many of you are assuming that I’m going to say that Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots is a bad game which follows the trend set by MGS2 and MGS3. Well you’re wrong, again. MGS4 isn’t a bad game.

Last time we saw Snake (and by Snake I mean Solid Snake, not Liquid, Solidus, or Naked Snake) was at the end of MGS2 when he was getting all preachy to Raiden about love, reality and human compassion in possibly one of the most lifeless representations of a city ever created, and since then he hasn’t aged well. The plot of the game sends the player on a journey all around the world as they attempt to stop Ocelot from taking over the world’s militia using the SOP system. Along this journey Snake must come to terms with his own mortality and learn some harsh truths about war and how the world at large is run. Sounds clever right? Wrong.

The main problem with the plot is that Kojima (the series’ director, also known as the man who believes hands can posses people) spends most of his time trying to come up with reasonable explanations for things he wrote into previous Metal Gear games, most of which is so unexplainable he has to resort to the tried and tested excuse “nanobots did it”. Not only does this lose him credibility and take the player as far out of the experience as humanly possible, but it also forces the player to notice some of the gigantic plot holes created by Kojima in the past.

Now I know this has been said before, but Kojima’s cut scenes are too long, by about an hour each. I was trying to avoid making this statement because it seems like such a generic statement about the Metal Gear series, but when the player is forced to watch a little girl cook eggs repeatedly, I started to think that maybe it was a valid complaint.

However if you, as an individual can stand Kojima's famously lengthy method of story telling, then the plot here does touch upon some truly important issues, including an advanced commentary of video game culture, the threat of nuclear war, and invasion of privacy. Ultimately Kojima does manage to wrap up the series in the most credible manner possible when his previous plot holes are taken into consideration.

The game play contained within the game is a mixed bag. With controls better suited for stealth game play, and a game consisting primarily of combat, the game does feel slightly cluttered at times. However when MGS4 is good, it is one of the best games I have ever played, with surprises running smoothly alongside predictable Metal Gear AI and stealth sections offering some of the tensest and most enthralling game play I have ever encountered.

Sound is the typical Metal Gear affair, which is not bad by any stretch of the imagination but does get a little tiresome after awhile. The graphics are the jaw dropping symphony of images that one would expect from a next generation game.

MGS4 isn't bad. It isn't everything that people say it is, but it isn't bad. Basically it's a game for the fans, including everything that fans enjoyed from the previous games, everything requested from online forums and cutting out the crap. As a stand alone game it isn't the best, but as a conclusion to the Metal Gear series it excels.

8/10

The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford Review

I want this film to be good. Not only because if I can give it a positive review, and keep in line with other critics (apparently this film is a “masterpiece”) it might help to cover up the out burst of cynicism and contempt toward a fellow critic featured in last weeks review of Eulogy, but also because I paid £12.99 for the collector's edition (complete with a booklet which quotes the last line of the film...) of The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford and I want to feel like I've spent my money well.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford follows the story of the infamous outlaw Jesse James, and his assassin Robert Ford so there isn't much point in commenting on it. I must confess that before I saw this film I knew nothing of Jesse James beyond the fact that he was an infamous outlaw and Robert Ford killed him. Not good going for an ex-history student with an interest in outlaws...

The one thing I will say about the film's plot is that the script is immaculate after the first ten minutes, which consist of mostly garbled and slurred speech about nothing. Although when the train robbery sequence begins, the film becomes as good as the hype claims. The script tightens, characters become realistic, as opposed to vague and annoying, Brad Pitt becomes a credible actor, anything is possible!

Sound is used to incredible effect within the film, heightening tension consistently until the end of the film, which brings the audience crashing back to earth with a depressingly undramatic, and terrifyingly poignant climax.

The acting is spectacular across the board. Even Brad Pitt, whom I hold a personal loathing towards, manages to produce one of the best performances I have ever seen, with his Jesse James becoming one of the most complete anarchaic psychopaths ever portrayed on screen, second only to Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight. However it is Casey Affleck who steals the show, with his portrayal drawing comparisons to Al Pacino's Michael Corleone for obvious reasons.

This film is almost a masterpiece, and if it wasn't for those crucial 10 minutes at the beginning of the film which aren't necessary, interesting, or even logical then this film would go down as one of the best I have ever seen, comfortably behind The Godfather, and The Dark Knight, but as it stands this film is merely amazing, not transcendent.

9/10 

Eulogy Review

Eulogy puts “the fun in funeral” apparently. I assume that this quote, which can be found upon the back of this film's DVD box, is meant to imply that that Eulogy is an amusing film, but some further language analysis reveals just how stupid this quote is.

First off I would like you to swallow your immediate distaste that has risen from reading the quote and focus purely on the language. The word funeral is pronounced “fune-er-al” and not “fun-er-al”, so if we look at this quote objectively, it appears to imply that Eulogy puts a sound, which previously was not featured in the word funeral, into the word funeral; making the word sound something like “fune-fun-er-al”. I assume.

Sorry about that. The success of other critics frustrates me, as do the quotes featured upon the back of DVD boxes, and sentences implying that funerals are fun.

So, I assume that you've realised that Eulogy is meant to be a comedy by now. The job of a comedy is to make you laugh and forget the worries of the world, correct? Even most dark comedy is so far detached from the real world that it still makes you forget your problems, and laugh at the absurdity of the characters. Eulogy achieves this, at times.

In the times when Eulogy manages to actually be funny, it is impeccable. The acting and the script are perfect, sharp, and witty, however when Eulogy isn't funny, it is awful. The witty dialogue turns into drawn out sequences of people getting stoned, which could only be funny to people who are stoned, and the acting turns to an unintelligible, yet star studded, mess.

Basically Eulogy is a hit and miss comedy, like Little Britain, The League of Gentlemen, and most dark comedy. I would recommend it 'cause it puts the fun in "fune-fun-er-al".

Shut up, I'm allowed to be bitter.

7/10