Saw Review

This may come as a shock to you, as it did to many of my friends but prior to preparing for this review I had never seen a single film in the Saw series. It just never really appealed to me. Everyone always talks of these films as if they're made entirely to gross people out, which has never struck me as good horror. Horror should be creepy, blood and gore isn't creepy it's just bloody and gruesome. However I decided that since Saw V is being released this Halloween I would give the series a try. Well, at least the first film.

The film's plot begins with two men waking up inside of a bathroom. They are chained to the walls and there is a corpse in the centre of the room. Through the use of flashbacks we as an audience are given the characters backgrounds and gradually told they have been captured by the infamous “Jigsaw”, a serial killer who uses traps made in a style that Batman's Joker (See The Killing Joke for an example of these “fun houses”) would be proud of in order to make his “victims” better themselves after they realise how precious life is.

Which would be a great plot set-up, unfortunately there is nothing else to the plot. At all. You never find out the identity of Jigsaw, the trap plays out like it's meant to and character development never really advances beyond the archetypes of “I'm dying”, “I need to save my family” or “Jigsaw told me to do it”. Although I must admit that there is a sort off sick pleasure in watching Jigsaw's trap work properly.

There isn't actually that much gore in Saw. The film tries very hard to create tension by hinting at the violence that could happen, and attempting to make Jigsaw a formidable figure and on some levels it achieves these things. There are one or two genuinely scary scenes, sadly they're often overshadowed by the predictability of the traps or the fact that Jigsaw is a rip off of The Joker in every single way possible.

Don't get me wrong Saw is enjoyable, if only to marvel at how well people manage to rip off Batman, it just isn't scary. The hint that something gory is going to happen isn't enough to make me stay up all night with the lights on, one particaularly gruesome scene won't haunt me forever, to put it simply horror needs to be creepy! This can only be achieved through the use of long haired children!

I'm going to go watch Japanese horror and sulk now.

7/10

Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith Review (War on Star Wars Part Two)

Among fans Revenge of the Sith is often considered to be the worst film set in the Star Wars universe, which has always seemed to be an unfair judgement to me when The Star Wars Christmas Special, Caravan of Courage and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (don't worry reviews of these are coming) are still all technically Star Wars films. It seems to me that Revenge of the Sith is simply the worst Star Wars film in the saga (consisting of Episodes I-VI), which is still an amazing feat...

The main problem with Revenge of the Sith is quite simple: only one person in the entire film can act at all. Don't get me wrong this film has a lot of other problems, bad scripting, bad CGI and George Lucas to name but a few, and whilst they couldn't really have been overlooked if the acting was up to scratch, they might have been tolerated by some of Lucas' more retarded fans.

However must be given when due and therefore credit most definitely must be given to Ewan McGregor (Trainspotting) for being the only vaguely competent actor present within the entire film. To put it simply compared to the rest of the performances on show in this film, Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan is comparable to Al Pacino's Michael Corleone, that's only comparatively speaking however. In reality Mcgregor only ever actually flexes his acting muscle once within the film, and even then it's half-heartedly which should give you a vague idea of how everyone else manages.

By far the worst performance in the film comes from Hayden Christensen (Jumper) as Anakin Skywalker, our infamous co-lead. To put it simply Christensen's performance consists of pausing to look moody in between the delivery of lines no matter what context they are meant to be in, screeching and crying as much as it is humanly possible to and speaking as monotonously as possible. In short he is the living personification of emo.

The script is simply appalling. Every single character in the film acts as a living, breathing expository device, dialogue is laden with puns and overly dramatic expressions of melancholy, and character development is given the depth of three lines at most. Love scenes are embarrassing, often consisting of Padmé and Anakin gazing at each other with equally retard expressions whilst telling each other how attractive they are repeatedly. Married people do not talk like that!

The action sequences in the film are the highlights, however they are still abysmal. CGI flies over each sequence with little purpose or direction, Lightsaber's seemingly explode when they hit each other and actor's perform badly choreographed fights which look like elaborately staged renditions of Strictly Come Dancing.

To put it simply the film is a mess. It isn't the worst film I've ever seen. It isn't even the worst Star Wars film I've ever seen but it's still bad. Very bad.

3/10

Soul Calibur 4 Review

Despite the obvious misspelling of the word calibre in the series' title (just because it's intentional doesn't make it okay) the Soul Calibur games have always been my favourites within the beat-em-up genre. No other games within the same premise offer the same accessible depth as the Soul Calibur games do, no other games within the same genre have produced such a mastery of story-telling and customisation moving hand in hand and no other games in the genre where fists reign have given you the option to wield a giant sausage whip.

Soul Calibur 4 is set... somewhere within the Soul Calibur universe, at... some point in time and this is sadly the games main flaw. As a player you should always have a want, nay a need of motivation (even within a beat-em-up) and the fact that SC4 (I feel sickened about the fact that I just abbreviated) fails, from the beginning of the game, to give you as a gamer any context or character development in order to justify, or even motivate you to play the game from beginning until end, makes the entire experience a rather lacklustre one.

The plot advances from this seemingly empty void that the developers had dared to call a beginning, by the manner of text screens which mean nothing. No, seriously these text screens literally mean nothing. They give you no details about your next fight, you characters background or even the world surrounding you (for that matter, WHERE IS SOUL CALIBUR SET?). In fact the game reduces it's entire experience to one simple phrase, “beat the shit out of the other guy”.

Now because of the genre it could be argued that this simple ethos is perfectly valid way in which to develop the game and in some ways it is. The actual gameplay is some of the most stream-lined seen in the beat-em-up world in recent years. Controls are simplified as to keep the game accessible for new players, as per usual one button is allocated to a horizontal attack, one to a vertical attack, one to a kick, and one to a block. Whilst this might seem overly simple at first you'll soon realise that depending on your characters speed, direction and previous moves, these simplistic controls can be changed and utilised to devastating effect.

The graphics on show here are spectacular, even for a current generation game. Literally everything is eye-candy from character models to backgrounds everything is beautiful. It's not until you realise that environments can break, that can fully appreciate just how beautiful this game is. Sound is also amazing with battle sounds always capturing the moment in it's utmost and background music setting the tone majestically.

To sum up, Soul Calibur 4 is an excellent game which only suffers because of it's complete lack of disregard for the storyline. If your a die-hare Soul Calibur fan you'll be mildly disappointed. Otherwise this is an excellent fighting game which simply must be tried.

9/10

The Thirteen and a Half Lives of Captain Bluebear Review

The Thirteen and a Half Lives of Captain Bluebear (by Walter Moers) is one of the most bizarre things I have ever read, almost on a parallel with Flann O' Briens The Third Policeman, in which a man has an explicit sexual relationship with a bicycle. For those of you in the dark The Thirteen and a Half Lives of Captain Bluebear is a novelization of the adventures of one Moers' more successful television characters, Bluebear, a blue seafaring bear who tells tales of the adventures he has had throughout the course of his life, or lives.

The novel itself takes the reader across the fictional country of Zamonia whilst following the first seventeen and a half of Bluebear's twenty seven lives. Along his travels Bluebear encounters the bizarre locals of Zamonia, including Minipirates, Nocturnomaths and beings from the 2364^th dimension. If this all sound a little bizarre don't worry, it's meant to.

Moers uses a deceptively simple writing style throughout the course of the novel and whilst this might make many critics think that Bluebear is a children's novel, I actually think that it makes the story flow a lot better, keeping a light and funny atmosphere consistently throughout the entire novel. When coupled with Moers' fantastic Seussian cartoons the novel begins to take on the feel of a combination of graphic novel and full blown prose, which is by no means a bad thing.

The fact the Moers use a style similar to that of a graphic novel through me off at first, but upon actually reading the novel I realised that Bluebear is actually one of the best comedy novels I have ever read. The style is light enough to keep casual readers interested and the jokes are funny enough to keep heavy readers happy.

I honestly wasn't sure what I was going to think of this book, at first the Tolkien-esque map at the front of the novel lead me to believe that Moers was going to try and create a massively complex and multi-layered world, then I realised he was just making a joke and I began to enjoy the novel. Whilst Bluebear might not be a masterpiece of fiction it is certainly worth a look, and if like me Moers' whimsical writing style manages to draw you in then I can guarantee that he'll quickly become one of your favourite authors and Bluebear one of your favourite novels.

9/10

The Force Unleashed Review (War on Star Wars Part One)

The Force Unleashed has the power to either erase all of George Lucas' mistakes or single-handedly destroy everything that is, and has ever been, good in the Star Wars universe. Why you ask? The Force Unleashed serves as a connection between the two Star Wars trilogies, meaning that one of three things can happen:

• The demons contained within Episodes I through to III can poison the very heart of the Star Wars saga and kill the beast.

• The presumed angelic symphony of greatness contained within the first three films (IV through to VI) can seep over into the newer trilogy and drown out Lucas' insanity.

• The game could be profoundly average and drown the series in a river of mediocrity.

Considering that this game has the potential to either save the saga or destroy it in one fell swoop, it seems a good place start my War on Star Wars, does it not?

The plot of The Force Unleashed concerns us with Darth Vader's secret apprentice, a man named Starkiller (presumably because the original name factory had run out), the beginning of the Rebel Alliance and an overly clichéd struggle between good and evil. At first I was sceptical that this plot could even work in relation to the rest of the saga (considering Starkiller isn't mentioned in any of the films and he's quite obviously meant to be important), but I must admit that it wasn't awful.

Everything works out as it should in relation to the rest of the saga (if you take the choices which the developers want you to) and the plot unfolds as a swath of fairly well developed cut scenes (Starkiller actually looks real sometimes), clichés and purely expository dialogue. I suppose you could say that the plot is an average, run of the mill, Star Wars “epic”. I can forgive the fact that I didn't care at all about any of the characters because the word “midichlorians” isn't used once within the game.

Gameplay wise The Force Unleashed uses a rather familiar “hack and slash” formula combined with some force based “puzzle” sections and platforming. The game pretends to have some, albeit pretentious, depth by including a levelling system which boils down to “put all your points into health and force powers!”, which I can't really fault it for. All in all the gameplay is average, an enjoyable romp if you find time over the weekend. Just steer clear of the Wii and PS2 versions.

So, is George Lucas once more a shining god in the realm of action films? No. Have all of his mistakes been erased? No. Is he an insane freak who insists on ramming this “midchlorian” crap down our necks? Yes, but that's neither here nor there. Are we drowning in mediocrity? Yes.

6/10

Tropic Thunder Review

I honestly had no idea what to expect from Tropic Thunder when I went into the cinema. I've always had mixed opinions of Ben Stiller (Meet the Parents), Jack Black (School of Rock) and Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man), and a combination of all three seemed like it could only turn out in two ways: the funniest comedy ever made or a gigantic flop worthy of Uwe Boll (Postal). The end result therefore surprised me massively when it managed to avoid both of these expectations.

The end result is not the best comedy ever, simply because it lacks mainstream appeal. To put it simply Tropic Thunder is a film for people who watch, love and understand films. There was not a single moment that I wasn't laughing whilst watching this film, and the first ten minutes are probably the funniest minutes of cinema I have ever seen in my life. Regrettably the people whom I went to see Tropic Thunder with are the kind of people I want this review to apply to, and they didn't find the film even nearly as hilarious as I did.

Whilst Tropic Thunder offers some fairly accomplished jokes for the mainstream (Ben Stiller wearing a panda as a hat, don't worry it'll make sense... sort off) the majority of the jokes on display here are extremely clever and loving spoofs of some of the most beloved films, performances and actors ever to grace our screens (including a loving tribute to Heath Ledger's infamous method acting, obvious tributes to apocalypse now and a spoof of Eddie Murphy which just screams “please sue us!”) and it seemed a little to subtle for most of the audience.

The performances are superb across the board, with veterans Stiller and Downey Jr. in particular giving two of the funniest and most intelligent performances that I have ever seen. The direction is outstanding, especially considering that this is Stiller's first time directing and in spoofing some of the finest films of all time, he is setting himself a tall order.

On occasion the brilliance of this film did dwindle quite considerably, in particular the action sequences and gay jokes, which are both perfect examples of Hollywood dumbing down it's ideas in order to please the brain addled morons I like to call “the general public”. Thankfully the overall film doesn't suffer too much because of it, often because Stiller manages to fairly intelligently spoof some of the best action sequences ever made (who knew a spoof of Saving Private Ryans D-day scene could be funny?).

All in all, go see Tropic Thunder. If you love films then you'll love it, if you like films then you'll like it and if you hate films then what the hell are you doing reading film reviews on the internet?

8/10