I hate Stephanie Meyer. Her writing is devoid of talent and yet somehow here I am, sitting down to review a film adaptation of her “novel” Twilight. So you know what I thought might be fun?
I thought it might be fun if I wrote this review in her style.
-Meyer stylistics activated-
I’d never given much thought to how my sanity would die – although I have enough reason to – one of those reasons being how often I interject my own sentences with meaningless filler text – but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.
It wasn’t raining when I put the DVD into the player. I didn’t see it as an omen – it was summer. It doesn’t rain often in summer.
It was awful, of course; I couldn’t deny that. Everything was shit: the acting, the script, the special effects. Even the idea. It was too shit – possibly the worst film I’d seen in over a month.
-Meyer stylistics de-activated-
Writing like that is killing me.
So what we actually get from the Twilight film isn’t actually as bad as I’ve just made it out to be. The acting isn’t shit all the way through and in particular the film’s two leads (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson) manage to deliver fairly airtight performances when the flimsy pretext of their characters is taken into consideration.
Likewise the cinematography and direction on display here isn’t appalling. It manages to build a fairly creepy and foreboding universe which seems separate from that of the normal world whenever necessary with the use of some fairly impressive wide shots of the forest and repeated use of low angles. Sound is used effectively and the overall sensual effect of the film ranges from genuinely impressive to adequate.
I suppose my main complaint about the film lies with the plot and the script. Neither of these things are at all believable, coherent or even interesting. The plot progress with all the speed and elegance of an inbred snail, dialogue feels hammy (I’m aware that most of it is taken straight from the novel. That’s the problem!) and both scenes of plot and character progression may as well have the word “exposition” printed in large bold text for their entire duration.
Overall, Twilight isn’t dreadful. It’s easy on the eyes, sounds great and features some okayish acting at times. The only problem with the film can be attributed to poor writing, most of which can be attributed to Meyer’s writing. In other words, fans won’t be disappointed; they’re virtually getting the “novel” as a film. Anyone with common sense will be bored, sickened and sometimes even outraged; they’re virtually getting the “novel” as a film.
Oh, in case you were wondering: I only edited the text in my parody slightly. Most of it is taken from the novel directly.
5/10
