Halo: Legends Review

Why yes, I am a slave to this franchise. Now kindly shut the fuck up.

Following my review of Halo 3: ODST back in December I've been pretty disillusioned with the entertainment industry. I went to see all the big films that I had missed: Avatar, Where the Wild Things Are. And I didn't review them.

Why? My fury was somewhat spent on Halo. I found Avatar to be a pretty, fun, as and altogether enjoyable experience. It's not the masterpiece that everyone seems to think that it is; it's not as original as everyone thinks it is; it's okay. And normally that would anger me – but not now.

Where the Wild Things Are is a different story. I didn't review that because I didn't want to admit that it was my favourite film of the year.

So, now that I've finished excusing my absence, let me explain my review choice. I was running late for an unimportant lecture at university when I realised that I'd forgotten to bring a pen. Foolishly I went to my local supermarket, which for some reason stores the DVDs right next to the stationary. Now that I think on it, the booze is kept in clear view of the books too. Perhaps it's designed to trap me and me alone.

Paranoia aside, after selecting a pen which I have since lost, I just had to glance up at the DVDs. Nothing caught my eye in the best-sellers area – just a bunch of Hollywood garbage thrown together by literate monkeys – so I turned my attention to the less popular new releases.

That's when it happened. I glanced the name Halo and I didn't know whether to be afraid or uncontrollably happy. If the DVD was good it would catapult Halo back up into my esteem; if it was bad, I might need to see a psychiatrist. So I stood there, marvelling at the box art, suspended in time, figuring out if I could afford to pay £9.99 for something that would most likely just annoy me. It was fate. I was meant to buy it. It had to be.

So I like totally bought it.

And missed my seminar.

Shit happens.

As an aside: it was only when I got the disc home that I realised that it was an anthology of short films. Most of which are animated anime-style. Fuck's sake.

In all honesty I'm a bit stumped at how to review this. I've never been able to review any sort of collection before on this website. It's unfair to review an entire collection as a whole because each item in it is basically it's own product. Nor do I have time or patience enough to review every single item within the anthology. This does sort of put a stop to my reviewing process for this DVD – until I realised that Bungie tried to link all the films with a single bare plot thread, and that every film of this DVD is abysmal.

We open where Halo 3 left off and get a clear and long shot of the planet that Master Chief is currently orbiting around. But don't get your hopes up! The plot doesn't continue from here; it takes place in the form of flash backs! Making this scene ENTIRELY POINTLESS!

So Cortana (Master Chief's completely nude blue female companion – Avatar really wasn't that original was it? I mean when your soft-core porn scenes are stolen you're a bit boned) takes the front seat and tries to wake up the Chief despite his clear request that she should leave him alone. Failing this she proceeds to narrate to herself starting off our anthology with a 20 minute PowerPoint presentation. I really wish I was joking, but the first two films on this disk run to about ten minutes a piece and consist of nothing but continuous exposition over the top of images. It's not badly animated or anything; it's just mind-numbingly boring. Add on top of that the fact that any Halo fan already knows all of this, and that they completely ignore most of what actually happened in the games and it becomes painful to watch.

Actually this helps me flag up one of the main problems in the Halo continuity. During her narration Cortana mentions that the Halos kill Flood. In the first game it is specifically stated that the Halo rings do not kill Flood. Furthermore, in everything made after that game Bungie have stated that it does kill Flood. So which is it Bungie? I sincerely doubt that you're gonna retcon the first game, so does that mean the Halo 3's climax is fundamentally flawed? Does it?

Anyway, following these films we have more bullshit. Only one or two of the films suffer from bad animation, the rest a superbly done. Literally all of the dialogue is trite, self-referential bullshit which does nothing but grate on my nerves. The whole thing is voice-acted well enough, and the music is... the Halo music.

To sum up: it's terrible. The plots make no sense. Coherency has been thrown to the wind. And I sincerely doubt that it has been edited at all. This said, ODST is far, far worse, and this isn't the worst anthology I've seen either.

Still, don't buy it.

2/10

Disney's A Christmas Carol Review

I'm going to be brutally honest now: I have very few feelings about Christmas. As a staunch socialist (nearing communist) and atheist both the capitalist and religious meanings of the holiday are completely lost on me. As far as I'm concerned the holiday is just the same as any other time I spend outside of university (formerly school). Except slightly colder.

With all this said it may come as a shock to know that I love the feeling about at Christmas. I love the idea of good-will to all men (and women of course), sharing, and holiday cheer. Even with my own experiences of Christmas consisting mainly of sitting around in my bedclothes and watching TV, there's something about the stories which gets me. As an example: it's the only time of the year that I can think Disney without immediately thinking Nazi afterwards. Oh wait -

I think I actually have to credit my enjoyment of a festive feeling to the media. Half because my own life is seemingly devoid of it, and half because TV and films are simply better at Christmas. And it's not only because of the production values. Simply put: the stories presented at Christmas all hit something shared within the human experience; that bizarre feeling of instantaneous excitement for an event (which ultimately disappoints). I would personally argue that The Snowman is the best example of this and no other films need apply, but apparently Disney disagree.

Nazi wankers.

A Christmas Carol sees Jim Carrey join the likes of Patrick Stewart (A Christmas Carol), Rowan Atkinson (Blackadder's A Christmas Carol), and even The Muppets (A Muppet Christmas Carol) in the plethora of TV adaptations of Dickens' famous book. Like all versions of the film, this one has a gimmick – it's 3D. Whilst I can honestly say that I'm not too much of a fan of 3D films, I don't mind admitting that it works here. If there's one thing Disney can do well it's animation.

As for the rest of the film, I'm going to dive straight into my nitpicking. And honestly there isn't too much to comment upon. As everyone over the age of a sperm cell knows the plot of this film it's probably only worth mentioning how it's represented here. Rather oddly the first twenty, or maybe even thirty minutes of the film are some of the bleakest sections of animation I have ever witnessed. The portrayal of Scrooge as a complete and utter bastard is so brutal and nigh on perfect that it becomes impossible to see how this film could have been made for children.

Then it all derails into a jaunty trip down Disney lane for a large period of time. Things move fast, colours splash all over the screen and children giggle. It's oh so wonderful.

As with any self-respecting mature male does when confronted with this sort of entertainment I tried to find my inner child and enjoy what I was presented. Finding him bitter and full of the ashes of failed promise I got bored and messed around with my 3D glasses for a bit. Just as I was about to switch off entirely something remarkable happened. Disney went back to being bleak. My inner ash child was contented and I continued to watch. Until it ended like every rendition of this story always does: with Scrooge becoming a happy, Christmas loving man. Rather abruptly I might add.

Other than the plot I can't find much to mention. The animation is fantastic, the voice acting is fine, and the musical score is Christmassy. I can only really say that I don't think anyone will enjoy all of this film. The beginning is too slow and bleak for children, the middle too quick and Disney-esque for adults, and the end too unbelievable. It's worth a watch I guess.

Fuck it: back to The Snowman.

6/10

Halo 3: ODST Review

Dearest reader,

What follows is part review and part suicide note. As followers of my website, blog, or Twitter account will undoubtedly have picked up on, I'm having a pretty shit time at the moment. So, I decided to take a meagre portion of my student loan and buy something to cheer myself up. Given that Halo always used to cheer me up in my earlier teenage years and the cast of Firefly (possibly my favourite sci-fi of all time) are the voice actors for ODST I decided that it was a pretty safe bet. Heck, my friend Rory even came over to play the game through on co-op (legendary difficulty – we're manly men!) with me. We set aside a whole day for it.

I like to take a walk with whomever I happen to be with after absorbing any media product intensively. During these walks I like to talk about whatever I just played/watched/read/listened to a little bit whilst not fixating on the subject. After ODST there were very few words. Rory and I merely walked in near silence, letting out miserable sighs, the occasional swear word, and any phrasing of the sentence: 'what the fuck?'.

I feel that it may perhaps be perceived that I'm over-stating how badly this game affected me; I'm not. To make my point valid I feel I have to refer to the worst film I have ever seen: Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise. Although Nerds 2 is completely devoid of humour, although I felt as if my mind were being torn apart by hundreds upon hundreds of tiny knives whilst watching it, although I wanted to die during every second of that putrid pile of shit, I still enjoyed it more than ODST. Why? BECAUSE LOGIC HAS NO PLACE IN HELL!

Alright, in-jokes aside, why is ODST as bad as I say it is? I admit that I actually enjoyed the game mildly the first time I played it through (on normal). The pacing seemed alright, I never got stuck in one area too long, and the marine statistics and weaponry actually seemed to make the game run smoother than Halo 3 itself. But it cost me £30, and I refuse to pay £30 for 6 hours of gameplay. I only took that crap for Portal because it was 6 hours of gaming heaven and you got three other games with it. And before you start: we don't talk about Mirror's Edge here any more.

On the game's second play through it starts to fall apart. When I say 'fall apart' I mean everything is boring after the first mission – which isn't too great. The detective angle that Bungie have played off as revolutionary for the series comes down to nothing more than running through mostly empty scenery whilst looking for a single object to the sound of shit music. It reminds me of those game world hubs that used to be in things like Spiro, and Crash Bandicoot. Except shit and far too drawn-out.

The rest of the game is similar to the same old Halo affair without ever approaching any level of fun. The combat drags after the first half hour, largely due to the fact that it's obvious Bungie have provided a single way to deal with each situation thus making even the larger sequences seem completely redundant. Then, once you hit the third, maybe the fourth hour of gameplay something hits you: ODST is the same fight copy and pasted about fifty times.

I paid £30 for five minutes of gameplay.

You may scoff at this criticism and say that all shooters are in effect exactly same thing done over, and over, and over again: you'd be completely right. The only difference between this game and other shooters is that other shooters try to hide how repetitive they are with set-pieces. ODST has precisely one set-piece, and it's shit. I would even go so far to say that ODST is more repetitive than World of Warcraft. At least with WoW you have to change what you click every few levels.

With this we come to the crux of the matter: the storyline. I can forgive anything for a good plot. As an example: The Da Vinci Code. It's an awfully constructed and written book, but I kept with it because the story was so interesting. ODST falls apart completely because of one reason and one reason only. That reason?

As far as I can tell, there is no plot.

As the Rookie (yes, they pulled another Master Chief esque character out of their arse) you do nothing but look for the other characters, and as the other characters you do nothing but shoot shit. There is a very desperate attempt to link everything in the game's last two missions, but it simply doesn't work.

It somehow seems that Bungie are trying desperately to remind the audience of Firefly. The characters are all similar to those in the the show, the dialogue is borderline Whedon (but I do mean in his Angel and Buffy years. Which are naught but a blight upon humanity), and there are numerous references to episodes very dear to my heart. The problem? THIS IS THE FUCKING HALOVERSE!

Forgive me for resulting to stereotypes, but I don't think the common Halo gamer is going to have heard of, or care about Firefly, Serenity, or any of the actors involved with them. So, they aren't going to be too happy when they see all these references changing EVERY FUCKING DYNAMIC ESTABLISHED WITHING THE GAME WORLD! Similarly, Firefly fans don't generally like Halo. And even if they do I imagine they'd much rather just watch the show than play through six hours of substandard science fiction for a scant few references. So, what about the multiplayer?

I must admit that I probably went into 'firefight' (sic.) with lower expectations than I should have done, but with a campaign that mid-numbing can you blame me? Basically the mode is just fights which bored you in the campaign lasting even longer, with less reason to continue playing them. If you're a really hardcore Halo fan then you might enjoy it. But I mean a really hardcore Halo fan. The kind who gets annoyed when people say the game is 'okay but not great'.

As for the second disc, I assume you all already own Halo 3? If you fit the description of a hardcore Halo fan shown above then your head probably exploded over the three exclusive maps already. Otherwise, there's just no fucking point. You may as well just throw your money in the bin.

And with this my fury has been vented unto the world and I can now go and quietly hang myself. I don't want to leave any personal messages to anyone – you're all wankers. I suppose I should probably say something poetic with myself passing. How does '0/10' sound?

0/10 – It'll do.

With spite: James.

(P.S. I'm not actually going to kill myself. It's a joke; mocking depression is obviously hilarious.)

Saw VI Review

Before I start let me say that this review is completely pointless. About a year ago I reviewed the first film in this series, and to my surprise it wasn't too bad. Since then I've swallowed whatever remained of my dignity and watched all of the Saw films. As I expected, they get progressively worse and, like all franchise, seem completely pointless after the third film. And even telling you that is fucking pointless; wanna know why?

It's pointless because no matter what I say, no matter what anyone says, if you're reading a review of Saw VI on the internet then you are going to go and see it. Sequel syndrome will have set in and you'll be desperately trying to convince yourself that the plot will add up. You have to see how it ends now, even though you know it won't be at all interesting – or even make sense. It happens to the best of us.

Consumerist twats.

I don't even think there's any point in my explaining the plot: it's Saw, you already know what happens. The only difference is in the traps and over-all plot progression. So, in the spirit of the review, let's completely forget intellectual superiority to the film-makers and dive straight to the only part of this writing I can possibly pass off a genuine review. Here goes: the traps are meek and the plot doesn't go anywhere.

I just reviewed Saw VI.

Now that nuisance is out of the way I'm going to indulge myself in some critical catharsis (read Aristotle bitches) and pick-up on some of the finer elements of this film. I don't think that it would be at all unfair of my to say that when you go into see a Saw film you expect to feel slightly (more and more emphasis on slightly as time goes on) repulsed, mildly bored, and thoroughly underwhelmed. You do not expect to be politically challenged in any way. Well guys, guess what. Saw VI has political commentary!

When I say political commentary I don't mean to say that Saw VI has subtle references to problems within our society, or a sense of irony, heavens no! What I mean to say is that the film desperately tries to catch up with the rest of the artistic society by bashing capitalism. I by no means absolve myself from this school of thought (having written explicitly anti-capitalist essays), however it probably says a lot more about the state of the world when the basest forms of entertainment (gore porn, a.k.a. Saw) start to pick up on the idea that being a socialist is trendy. All political arguments aside, it's unreasonable to expect an audience to swallow an entire plot based upon subtext. Without spoiling the film (irony see?), the characters depicted as evil capitalist scum within Saw VI are by no means evil in real life. By forcing them through the hell created by Jigsaw for simply doing their jobs the film doesn't make us feel like they're getting some form of divine punishment for buying into capitalism. It just makes Jigsaw look like a dick.

In fact, this annoyed me so much that I think I'm going to introduce a new element to the reviews: Writing 101. Every time a writer fucks up so bad that it makes me feel like I could hit someone they will be signposted by a new rule – lest they be foolish enough to repeat the mistake. Today's rule?

#1 – Subtext is not plot.

In conclusion, Saw VI is exactly what you expect it to be with very, very bad political commentary stapled on. To give it credit, Saw VI is no-where near as bad as Saw V and I did somewhat enjoy the time I spent with it. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone beyond fans of the franchise, the bad acting alone can kill it for a new audience member. However, if you're a fan of the Saw series (and I'd recommend seeking mental help if this is the case) by all means go and see Saw VI. Not that you need me to tell you that, you've already gone.

I'm wasting my life, aren't I?

4/10

Zombieland Review

Zombieland is advertised badly. Every advertisement I've seen for the film features the gimmick of the theme park in some way. The trailers all show a scene with zombies being crushed by a fairground ride, the poster displays the cast standing in front of a fairground, and even the title alludes to the setting. Why is this bad?

About ten minutes of the film is set there.

Advertising scruples aside, let's dive in shall we? The film revolves around Columbus' (Jesse Eisenberg) desperate attempt to survive in a zombie ridden America. Along the way he encounters the Twinkie obsessed cowboy Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) and the two immoral sisters, Wichita and Little Rock (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin respectively). Aside from this very little happens. The plot and comedy is mostly derived from the character's internal conflicts (an example of which would be Columbus' internal monologue, which is reminiscient of Scrubs – but with zombies), and the setting. Occasionally some gratuitous violence or a cameo is thrown in for good messure.

From the outset, a character based zombie comedy may not sound like such a great idea. It doesn't really play on the zombie film sub-genre itself for comedy (except in a very obvious social satire way), and it relies entirely on the ability of the script-writers. Whilst this has been pulled off before to amazing effect (see Shaun of the Dead), you'd be forgiven for doubting its appeal.

Fortunately, Zombieland has one feature which catapults you easily into the rest of the film: the protagonist. As already mentioned, large amounts of the story are told via Coloumbus' internal monologue. These sections not only provide succinct aids to the plot, but also help to create the most wonderfully identifiable and neurotic character I can remember in recent film history. Both the scripting and the acting are equally creditable for this, with some brilliant lines being delivered in a quite frankly perfect manner by Jesse Eisenberg. In fact, this character is so fantastically crafted that he is able to support the rest of the film on his shoulders one the few occasions it falls flat.

Not that it falls flat often. Each of the supporting characters is instantly likeable, and wonderfully scripted as well. Special credit must go to Woody Harrelson for his fantastic portrayal of Tallahassee, but the two girls are both fantastic as well. Past this, the action sequences are filmed with a perfect tone, the scripting is almost flawless and I can honestly say that I was never bored.

The one complaint I do have is that around the 40 minute mark the film slows down quite considerably. It speeds up again when a certain (and awesome) cameo comes into play, but a large section of the film feels quite stale compared to the rest. Luckily most of this sustained by our lead and what results is by no means bad film making. Its just outshone by what went before it and what happens after it.

To sum up, Zombieland is the only genuinely funny comedy I've seen in a long time. It has a few failings which make it fall short of the only other zombie comedy worth its salt (Shaun of the Dead) but it still managed to leave me feeling satisfied. Check it out.

9/10

RunMan: Race Around The World Review

It's been pretty dark around here of late. From uploading my own poetry and short fiction – none of which have even the slightest shred of happiness in them – to studying William Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus for university, it's been a long time since I did anything happy. Coincidentally, it's also been a long time since I had any money. The cure to both of these dilemmas comes in the form of RunMan, a lovely little independently developed game which can be downloaded for free here.

Now that I've said it's free you all think my standards have dropped, that if some thing's free then it's not worthwhile. Well, I'll have you know that my standards haven't dropped; I'm not giving anything back to the community, the community can fuck-off. Just because this game is free does not mean that I'm going to conclude my review with some benign statement like “what have you got to lose?” If it's shit I'll call it.

It is free though. Just saying.

Anyway, moving on from the fact that this wonderful game is completely free; RunMan: Race Around The World centres around the character of RunMan as he... races around the world. Well, you gotta hand it to them: they know how to be consistent. And this is is a video-game, the plot isn't important! It's all about the gameplay, which is actually very good here.

The game is a simple two dimensional platformer, with the objectives of all platformers: get to the end of the level. Each “zone” is divided into several levels with a boss level at the end. This is massively helped by the game's level design, which is some of the best I've ever seen. Several features have been added to vary things, most noticeably the sprint which speeds the game up and keeps it interesting for experienced players. The one complaint I do have is that the boss stages are always exactly the same thing sped up slightly. It's a minor complaint, but still enough to bring you back to the real world.

However, it's the game's graphics and sound which really make it worthwhile. The art work is intentionally cartoony and badly drawn, colour is used far too much, and the overall effect is that of a children's cartoon book. It's fucking wonderful! Add in some music which you just wouldn't expect, and this game is guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

So, overall RunMan is an exceptionally well-made, fun, and simply joyous game. It harkens back to the days of gaming's infancy, provided tight level design, childish and amusing storytelling, and a look which is both wholly unique and all too familiar. The only complaints I can think to offer are the boss battles, and the game's length (clocking at roughly an hour and a half). Whilst there is some replay value (character unlocks etc.) it's not really all that worthwhile. Still, definitely worth a look.

And it's free.

8/10

District 9 Review

District 9 is the first film that I've had to put thought into reviewing in a very long time. This can be accredited to two things: 1) District 9 is a difficult film to review, and 2) the other films that I have been reviewing lately fit nicely into certain criteria. I personally think that number two is more to blame; as complex as District 9 may pretend to be, it really isn't.

The film centres around Wikus van de Merwe (played by Sharlto Copley, the directors best friend) a field operative handling the relocation of poor South Africans Aliens. I realise that my joke wasn't that subtle, but when I'm dealing with a metaphor about as subtle as a brick to the face what do you expect?

So, as anyone with half a brain can deduce from the way that the film was advertised, this film isn't really about aliens; it's a half-baked metaphor about the apartheid in South Africa! And, as I guessed, this is it's main problem.

I don't know about you, but when a film tries to handle material as dark and miserable as the apartheid, I generally expect it to come to some form of moral conclusion. This isn't to say that District 9 completely shirks this responsibility, in fact it tries really hard to come up with something. However, when the film finished I felt that I hadn't been told anything beyond “people are dicks”, and in a film set in the real apartheid I could accept this. In a sci-fi I can't.

It may seem odd that I set my sights slightly higher for a work of fiction (especially science-fiction, a genre headed in public consciousness by George Lucas, a man who is clearly bat-shit insane), so allow me to explain myself. When you write, or film a serious work of fiction you immediately set yourself up to provided some form of message, any form of message. However, if working with a real life situation, you are not obliged to do so. Real life is messy, fiction is crafted.

It may seem like I hated this film, which I really didn't. Once the obnoxious nature of the “social commentary” on display here is dispensed with, District 9 proves itself to be an extremely enthralling sci-fi. The plot is tense, the characters interesting (especially the aliens), and the production values are extremely high. Overall, this may actually be my favourite science-fiction film since Serenity.

So, what is District 9 really? In my opinion, it's an extremely well crafted, and inventive film which aims far too high. In the hands of a more capable screenwriter, this could have possibly been one of my favourite films of all time. As it stands, it's still one of my favourite sci-fi films, and I highly recommend it. I would also recommend keeping an eye first time writer/director Neill Blomkamp, as with the technical expertise, dedication, and ambition he has show here he could well become one of the best film-makers in the business.

8/10