Disney's A Christmas Carol Review

I'm going to be brutally honest now: I have very few feelings about Christmas. As a staunch socialist (nearing communist) and atheist both the capitalist and religious meanings of the holiday are completely lost on me. As far as I'm concerned the holiday is just the same as any other time I spend outside of university (formerly school). Except slightly colder.

With all this said it may come as a shock to know that I love the feeling about at Christmas. I love the idea of good-will to all men (and women of course), sharing, and holiday cheer. Even with my own experiences of Christmas consisting mainly of sitting around in my bedclothes and watching TV, there's something about the stories which gets me. As an example: it's the only time of the year that I can think Disney without immediately thinking Nazi afterwards. Oh wait -

I think I actually have to credit my enjoyment of a festive feeling to the media. Half because my own life is seemingly devoid of it, and half because TV and films are simply better at Christmas. And it's not only because of the production values. Simply put: the stories presented at Christmas all hit something shared within the human experience; that bizarre feeling of instantaneous excitement for an event (which ultimately disappoints). I would personally argue that The Snowman is the best example of this and no other films need apply, but apparently Disney disagree.

Nazi wankers.

A Christmas Carol sees Jim Carrey join the likes of Patrick Stewart (A Christmas Carol), Rowan Atkinson (Blackadder's A Christmas Carol), and even The Muppets (A Muppet Christmas Carol) in the plethora of TV adaptations of Dickens' famous book. Like all versions of the film, this one has a gimmick – it's 3D. Whilst I can honestly say that I'm not too much of a fan of 3D films, I don't mind admitting that it works here. If there's one thing Disney can do well it's animation.

As for the rest of the film, I'm going to dive straight into my nitpicking. And honestly there isn't too much to comment upon. As everyone over the age of a sperm cell knows the plot of this film it's probably only worth mentioning how it's represented here. Rather oddly the first twenty, or maybe even thirty minutes of the film are some of the bleakest sections of animation I have ever witnessed. The portrayal of Scrooge as a complete and utter bastard is so brutal and nigh on perfect that it becomes impossible to see how this film could have been made for children.

Then it all derails into a jaunty trip down Disney lane for a large period of time. Things move fast, colours splash all over the screen and children giggle. It's oh so wonderful.

As with any self-respecting mature male does when confronted with this sort of entertainment I tried to find my inner child and enjoy what I was presented. Finding him bitter and full of the ashes of failed promise I got bored and messed around with my 3D glasses for a bit. Just as I was about to switch off entirely something remarkable happened. Disney went back to being bleak. My inner ash child was contented and I continued to watch. Until it ended like every rendition of this story always does: with Scrooge becoming a happy, Christmas loving man. Rather abruptly I might add.

Other than the plot I can't find much to mention. The animation is fantastic, the voice acting is fine, and the musical score is Christmassy. I can only really say that I don't think anyone will enjoy all of this film. The beginning is too slow and bleak for children, the middle too quick and Disney-esque for adults, and the end too unbelievable. It's worth a watch I guess.

Fuck it: back to The Snowman.

6/10

Halo 3: ODST Review

Dearest reader,

What follows is part review and part suicide note. As followers of my website, blog, or Twitter account will undoubtedly have picked up on, I'm having a pretty shit time at the moment. So, I decided to take a meagre portion of my student loan and buy something to cheer myself up. Given that Halo always used to cheer me up in my earlier teenage years and the cast of Firefly (possibly my favourite sci-fi of all time) are the voice actors for ODST I decided that it was a pretty safe bet. Heck, my friend Rory even came over to play the game through on co-op (legendary difficulty – we're manly men!) with me. We set aside a whole day for it.

I like to take a walk with whomever I happen to be with after absorbing any media product intensively. During these walks I like to talk about whatever I just played/watched/read/listened to a little bit whilst not fixating on the subject. After ODST there were very few words. Rory and I merely walked in near silence, letting out miserable sighs, the occasional swear word, and any phrasing of the sentence: 'what the fuck?'.

I feel that it may perhaps be perceived that I'm over-stating how badly this game affected me; I'm not. To make my point valid I feel I have to refer to the worst film I have ever seen: Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise. Although Nerds 2 is completely devoid of humour, although I felt as if my mind were being torn apart by hundreds upon hundreds of tiny knives whilst watching it, although I wanted to die during every second of that putrid pile of shit, I still enjoyed it more than ODST. Why? BECAUSE LOGIC HAS NO PLACE IN HELL!

Alright, in-jokes aside, why is ODST as bad as I say it is? I admit that I actually enjoyed the game mildly the first time I played it through (on normal). The pacing seemed alright, I never got stuck in one area too long, and the marine statistics and weaponry actually seemed to make the game run smoother than Halo 3 itself. But it cost me £30, and I refuse to pay £30 for 6 hours of gameplay. I only took that crap for Portal because it was 6 hours of gaming heaven and you got three other games with it. And before you start: we don't talk about Mirror's Edge here any more.

On the game's second play through it starts to fall apart. When I say 'fall apart' I mean everything is boring after the first mission – which isn't too great. The detective angle that Bungie have played off as revolutionary for the series comes down to nothing more than running through mostly empty scenery whilst looking for a single object to the sound of shit music. It reminds me of those game world hubs that used to be in things like Spiro, and Crash Bandicoot. Except shit and far too drawn-out.

The rest of the game is similar to the same old Halo affair without ever approaching any level of fun. The combat drags after the first half hour, largely due to the fact that it's obvious Bungie have provided a single way to deal with each situation thus making even the larger sequences seem completely redundant. Then, once you hit the third, maybe the fourth hour of gameplay something hits you: ODST is the same fight copy and pasted about fifty times.

I paid £30 for five minutes of gameplay.

You may scoff at this criticism and say that all shooters are in effect exactly same thing done over, and over, and over again: you'd be completely right. The only difference between this game and other shooters is that other shooters try to hide how repetitive they are with set-pieces. ODST has precisely one set-piece, and it's shit. I would even go so far to say that ODST is more repetitive than World of Warcraft. At least with WoW you have to change what you click every few levels.

With this we come to the crux of the matter: the storyline. I can forgive anything for a good plot. As an example: The Da Vinci Code. It's an awfully constructed and written book, but I kept with it because the story was so interesting. ODST falls apart completely because of one reason and one reason only. That reason?

As far as I can tell, there is no plot.

As the Rookie (yes, they pulled another Master Chief esque character out of their arse) you do nothing but look for the other characters, and as the other characters you do nothing but shoot shit. There is a very desperate attempt to link everything in the game's last two missions, but it simply doesn't work.

It somehow seems that Bungie are trying desperately to remind the audience of Firefly. The characters are all similar to those in the the show, the dialogue is borderline Whedon (but I do mean in his Angel and Buffy years. Which are naught but a blight upon humanity), and there are numerous references to episodes very dear to my heart. The problem? THIS IS THE FUCKING HALOVERSE!

Forgive me for resulting to stereotypes, but I don't think the common Halo gamer is going to have heard of, or care about Firefly, Serenity, or any of the actors involved with them. So, they aren't going to be too happy when they see all these references changing EVERY FUCKING DYNAMIC ESTABLISHED WITHING THE GAME WORLD! Similarly, Firefly fans don't generally like Halo. And even if they do I imagine they'd much rather just watch the show than play through six hours of substandard science fiction for a scant few references. So, what about the multiplayer?

I must admit that I probably went into 'firefight' (sic.) with lower expectations than I should have done, but with a campaign that mid-numbing can you blame me? Basically the mode is just fights which bored you in the campaign lasting even longer, with less reason to continue playing them. If you're a really hardcore Halo fan then you might enjoy it. But I mean a really hardcore Halo fan. The kind who gets annoyed when people say the game is 'okay but not great'.

As for the second disc, I assume you all already own Halo 3? If you fit the description of a hardcore Halo fan shown above then your head probably exploded over the three exclusive maps already. Otherwise, there's just no fucking point. You may as well just throw your money in the bin.

And with this my fury has been vented unto the world and I can now go and quietly hang myself. I don't want to leave any personal messages to anyone – you're all wankers. I suppose I should probably say something poetic with myself passing. How does '0/10' sound?

0/10 – It'll do.

With spite: James.

(P.S. I'm not actually going to kill myself. It's a joke; mocking depression is obviously hilarious.)