Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones Review (War on Star Wars Part Three)

I haven't really ranted properly in a while, perhaps I'm mellowing slightly, perhaps I'm becoming more conformist and dull or perhaps there just hasn't been a film bad enough to drag me down from the dizzying high I got when I watched The Dark Knight earlier this year. Who knows? More importantly, who cares?

Anyway, it is with this statement in mind that we must return to the War on Star Wars. We have now reached part three of this epic battle of unpaid lonely embittered internet critic versus popular franchise and can thus far summarise only that very people care what I think. It is with that fact in mind that I shall continue my just and righteous crusade, free of the inhibitions offered by popularity and recognition, by reviewing Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones.

I do talk a lot of bollocks sometimes, don't I?

Episode 2 is set ten years after the events of The Phantom Menace and the plot marks the beginning of the clone wars, one of the more ridiculous events to occur within Star Wars history. Whereas Episode 1 signalled the beginning of the end for Star Wars, in every single way and Episode 3 condemned the series, or at least the prequel trilogy, to depths of box office depravity, Episode 2 actually shows a brief respite from the swamps of Lucas' aged and decrepit mind in that it actually improves upon Episode 1. It's still a mess though.

The plot of Episode 2 revolves around the politics of the Star Wars universe, which wouldn't have necessarily been a bad idea if anyone had even the roughest idea of how democracy actually works within the republic. Admittedly there is a loose explanation of this within the film but it doesn't make sense, none of it makes sense. The entire system seems to revolve around electing the first person to offer an eloquent speech, which in retrospect seems like a system that America should employ immediately. No more Republicans, right?

I'm not going to talk about the crazy politics too much because it boils down to, big things are happening in high places and some people aren't happy about this so they try to assassinate Padmé, the one person who actually seems to understand the word democracy. What happens in between this plot set-up and the finale of the film is largely irrelevant and unfolds in a mess of hammy dialogue, bad acting and worse choreography.

As with Episode 3 no-one but Ewan McGregor can express more than one emotion on screen, Hayden Christensen is a flurry of angst and the word midichlorians pops up a few times. There are a couple of moments which intrigued me, like when Anakin goes to get revenge on the Tusken Raiders for killing his mother, but it's too badly scripted and acted to be credible.

I think I'm finally starting to figure out what is actually wrong with the prequel trilogy and it's not what I expected. It isn't the inclusion of retarded plot devices like midichlorians, or retarded characters like Jar Jar Binks; it's the lack of emotion. Episodes 1-3 should be about the rise and fall of Anakin Skywalker, his emotional turmoil through these times and his utter loss of himself leading to his transformation into Darth Vader. He should be a tortured and likeable character not an arrogant self-serving prick. The dialogue should be dark, not pun-laden and depressingly contrived. The blame doesn't rest entirely on Lucas' shoulders, Christensen is responsible as well.

3/10